Mamas Best Advice:Words of Wisdom Digest

FINDING LOVE: adversary, competitor, business partner, lover, “sacrificatorio” or kindred spirit?

What is the love you seek, attract or reject?

by Wandra Chenault, MamaSezWisdom 

Sharing your space, your time, your intellect, and your intimate affections can be one of the most important decisions in your life.  

Finding the ‘love of their life’ comes naturally and effortlessly — it seems — for some people but, for many others it is not as simple. In fact, it can be painfully difficult (even feeling  like a game of chess and worse sometimes,  Russian Roulette).  It can be scary when you are not finding a safe space and feeling  like you’re  getting closer to a small tragedy of living a lonely life. After repeated failure you may ask yourself  a serious question “what  is it I am looking for in my love life?”

Defining love is easy on paper and the ideal love partner is difficult to uncover within a few dates and maybe even longer. So, who you choose to fall in love with is a more complex matter than a definition. If you want a relationship that will gel or — even  better — cement, it’s important to understand as much as you can about the kind of partner you’re seeking  beforehand. 

Here are some classic types: 

The “competitor”  Some people ask why does their partner seem to act like they’re in competition with them-competing for the dominant perch  or strongest arm.  If  you are involved with this kind of partner and there are children it can seem that  your partner competes with you  about everything —even in regard to the kids. Their point is often that they are in charge ( finances, home, sex life, kids) they dominate: they lead, you follow.  So, in this relationship their may be disagreements  – from time to time – and you may feel emotionally isolated and on offense or  defense. If you have a competitive nature, love to win and can stand on your own two feet then, you may thrive in this type of relationship.  

The “adversary” Here people wonder why their partner seems to always be on a different team. If your partner’s team wins and you lose, it could feel like hell on earth when your partner laughs ( along with their team)  at you, shamelessly. You can feel like your partner is highlighting your weakness as a couple and their strength as an individual. However, if you feel secure in your individuality, maintain a good support system and don’t hold grudges,  you may enjoy this kind of relationship. 

The “business partner” Wants to be linked and involved in every aspect of life from breakfast to bedtime and everything in between. In this relationship you can lose your sense of identity and feel controlled. If you enjoy partnership and don’t need a lot of elbow room then, you may do well in this relationship. 

The “lover”  Is all passion and sexual intimacy. This  sexual compatibility you share  can overshadow all affairs even as your partner may fall short in most other areas.  In this relationship you can feel intellectually and maybe even emotionally unsupported but you maintain a deep romantic connection. If you’re an independent thinker and enjoy a sense of freedom in a relationship, you may be happy in this kind of relationship. 

 The “sacrificatorio” Is the partner who is willing to bear all pain: emotional, physical, mental, financial or social to sustain  the connection — no matter how fragile — as long as the relationship is landlocked. The “sacrificatorio” provides the fertile ground to nurture an imbalance of power in the relationship, Sacrificing in relationships can be healthier when it is  mutual and has duality. If unwavering  mono-sacrifice is important to you, then you may be very happy with this kind of relationship. 

The “kindred spirit”  Is when your partner has the dot for your I, the punctuation at the end of your sentence.  This relationship highlights the mutuality  of  kin spirits. This relationship can be emotionally taxing in that it is extremely meaningful and the loss of it could be emotionally  catastrophic. This relationship takes front stage and other things or people may have to take a back seat, including work, career, friends and family. It’s an all in or all out relationship.  In other words black or white. If you love your independence then this may not be ideal for  you. Although the passion of kindred spirits can fizzle, they’re likely to develop altruistic love and remain lifetime friends 



What is the love you seek, attract or reject?

We may become attracted to people who we later learn are not ideal because their love language— whether it is  adversarial, kindred spirit, business partner, lover, “sacrificatorio”or competitor — is not in alignment with our own. Compatibility is important and opposites do often attract (the energy of a positive and a negative can probably move a mountain)  but, there has to be agreement.  Sometimes it is  the  yin for the yang that can neutralize  your partner’s negative energy that will keep everything flowing.   But, keep in mind that  oil and water don’t mix although it looks interesting -each has characteristics that prevent it from gelling.  A good relationship, love, can tend to be solid as a rock.  



Atlanta, GA 30331

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